And he says, “An endless series of unfortunate events. One bad thing comes after another. Who’s going to be there to catch me? … No one.”

It’s the same story, over and over. Even when I was there, it was never enough. He’s always been such a melodramatic queen. I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved, and that’s something I can’t always realize in the moment. His world is falling around him, and I always have the urge to be there–despite it being not good for me. It’s instinct for me to try to ’save’ the people I care about, but I know I can’t. Not when they don’t want to be saved.

There are just so many excuses people make, including myself, to cover up the ugly truths. “You’re too connected with someone that’s hurt me incredibly in the past, so I can’t be friends with you”– but when the moment comes and it’s convenient for the other person to use me? That’s when we’re friends? Thanks for the headsup.

Honestly, I have no clue why I loved this guy so long ago. Maybe it was all the charm, but clearly it’s faded now. I hung on, knowing there was something deeper to be seen, but maybe… it was all delusional hope. I got played. Plain and simple. My optimism for the situation only led myself into a hopeless situation where it made it easier for me to be manipulated.

It’s okay. All the absence really gives you something to look at. To evaluate and make you see, if it was really all that genuine… If my actual effort lasted for over a year, how come his can’t even last for a week? Unless there’s something in it for him soon…

“Don’t ask me to give up everything for nothing. Don’t ask me to derail my life if you’re not going to derail yours, because I can’t leave Simon for an abstraction, Nick. I can only leave him for you. What’s it gonna be?” Karen Darling, Dirty Sexy Money

So now that the decisions have been made, all I need to do… is get closure.

I can’t keep letting this stupid friendship thing plague me. The bad marks, the irritable behaviour. It has to stop! I will no longer be obsessive over these stupid things. I have great friends right now that are helping me through this. Raymond and Anna are the cornerstone of my sanity at the moment. I have a old friends (Lesley) and new friends (Tracey) that are distracting me and adding to my level of sanity in a way. I am determined to be happy.

So tomorrow’s my new step. I’m finding closure and moving on with my life. I will focus on the positives, like winning that Dogwood District Scholarship (500 cheque, 500 voucher for school) that was not expecting at all, new found friendships and strengthening of old ones, repairing old ones (Kevin is actually talking to me again without spite. I love it. I’m ecstatic that he’s happy) and improving my grades ’cause seriously. That almost fail in that math midterm was pathetic.

Okay. I will go and work on my homework now. Cheers to self recovery.

So the deal was to put him to a test of two weeks. Simple enough, right? There were rules, expectations boy, they weren’t very high. 5 minutes of actual conversations a day and the ability to miss two days in a row, but three and it was game over.

Part of me, honestly, had set it so low so he couldn’t fail it, but there you go. I’m sure he’s going to fail and despite how often I’ve picked up the phone in the past while, starting to dial or text–I keep myself from doing it. The truth is, it wouldn’t be this easy for him to forget about me if I had meant… well, anything.

Best friends. What a joke, and we both knew it. Everyone knew it was so one sided, and everything has been since the start and unfortunately, it’s my own naviete that kept me from letting go. That stupid optimism that maybe, there would be some change. A friend for every year. That’s been pretty true to heart.

I went on a disastrous non-date, which was misconstrued as a date, and right after, I wanted to call him to tell him about it. How pathetic is that? It’s like I’m so trained…. My dad was cleaning and moved this box he made for my birthday downstairs and it was the second day of absence… and I completely lost it. I started arguing, yelling and misplacing my anger on my parents, and basically throwing a hissy fit. I ended up going downstairs to grab it, and I just sat there crying. I told one person, and he said I was just so attached, and yeah. I am. It’s blatantly obvious to everyone and that’s the problem. I’m attached to our history, to our friendship, and he isn’t.

So when it strikes 12 tonight, I can’t try anymore. I’ve put these set of rules for a reason–to force myself to realize that this isn’t good for me. That I am constantly being overlooked and it’s time to wake up and move on. He has in every single way, so it’s time to take the last step and leave it all behind.

I think I need to do something symbolic once October 4th comes. Bury the past away. Wasn’t that what the box was for?

“Everyone here is in a relationship except you.”

Thanks for the reminder, boy-who-broke-my-heart-so-long-ago. Seriously. Gotta love the consideration there, you know? But really, it brings up a very… obvious point. I have been single pretty much all my life, and the few relationships I have had made official, weren’t very official.

Is it really so wrong to want to go into a relationship that is legitimate? Where I do have an interest in the guy, and vice versa? Where I am not being invited to be the girlfriend, while the guy has another relationship going on? Sorry. I’m into monogamy and if I feel serious about it, then that’s what I’ll settle for.

Maybe my head is up in the clouds. Too much fairytale fiction and film/tv, maybe? I don’t know. I wish the whole thing was easier… Maybe I should settle for what could be, and not what I know I want. Relationships aren’t fairytales. They’re work, compromise and growing to love the person. Maybe it’d do me some good to do that.

Do you ever think, ‘Boy, I’m unlucky today.’? Well, I’ve been thinking that for the past while. So much work and friend stress. The family stress is at a minimal, but so many things go through my head and I can’t stop it.

Maybe it’s because I’m 18, but I feel like I’ve made an incredible amount of mistakes the past two years. What am I doing? Maybe it’s PMS, or maybe I still have some of that emo teen left in me but I can’t help but feel so alone.

With so many mishaps at work, being a new keyholder is not quite as cracked out as it should be. The stress is high with each mistake I make, and it’s not something I can really prevent sometimes. I want to arrive at the point of ‘perfect’ as soon as possible, but I don’t think it’s possible. Talking with my manager, it made me realize quite a few things.

I am alone. Honestly, I am. I wish it weren’t the case, but it is. I have no incredibly close friends that I can go to when upset. I have a variety of close-enough friends that I can rant to, but no one in particular to go to when all I want to do is cry. I have a close-enough friend that comes to me in times of his need, but that doesn’t do anything for my own support system. I haven’t built enough protection.

I can only hope that university is better, but in a way… I doubt it. I don’t think it’s going to fix any of my problems. I don’t think I’m going to be less lonely and that my personality will be any different. I might wish it, but I honestly doubt it. I need a focus. I need a boyfriend or at least a best friend. I need to concentrate on school and be amazed at how different things are.

What I need is a distraction so I won’t feel so alone.

I’m trying really hard to let go. I’m trying to learn how to not care as much and put all the jelly beans in one jar because what if the jar breaks? I should hide some in my pillow too, right? I know, doesn’t make sense but it’s okay.

I find myself giving into his demands and it’s absurd. There are so many flaws that for other people, I can’t stand but I make the exception for him. He doesn’t deserve the best friend treatment. He just… doesn’t. I think the problem is, mine is an addiction. It’s not something I can quit without intervention, and even then, it doesn’t work.

What I need is a good solid friend support system. People who care a lot about me, that don’t piss me off at every moment, and are there for me when I need them to be. Not only in selective times. I need good friends who don’t only go to me when they need something.

Despite all this knowledge, I can’t make myself change and it’s really bugging me. Letting go isn’t coming fast enough and sometimes, I wonder if I’m just supressing the disappointment so I don’t feel it at the moment.

Memorable wisdom/thoughts from the book.

Desperate Love

In desperate love, it’s always like this, isn’t it? In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place

 

Addiction

The fact is, I had become addicted to David (in my defense, he had fostered this, being something of a “man-fatale“), and now that his attention was wavering, I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted–an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore–despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbours just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you’re someone he’s never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You’re a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

So that’s it. You have now reached infatuation’s final destination–the complete and merciless devaluation of self
 

Love & Complication 

“I don’t think I’m ready for it,” I told him. “I don’t feel like going through all the effort of romance again, you know? I don’t feel like having to shave my legs every day or having to show my body to a new lover. And I don’t want to have to tell my life story all over again, or worry about birth control. Anyway, I’m not even sure I know how to do it anymore. I feel like I was more confident about sex and romance when I was sixteen than I am now.”

“Of course you were,” Felipe said. “You were young and stupid then. Only the young and stupid are confident about sex and romance. Do you think any of us know what we’re doing? Do you think there’s any way humans can love each other without complication? You should see how it happens in Bali, darling. All these Western men come here after they’ve made a mess of their lives back home, and they decide they’ve had it with Western women, and they go marry some tiny, sweet, obedient little Balinese teenage girl. I know what they’re thinking. They think this pretty girl will make them happy, make their lives easy. But whenever I see it happen, I want to say the same thing. Good luck. Because you still have a woman in front of you, my friend. And you are still a man. It’s still two human beings trying to get along, so it’s going to become complicated. And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.”

 
Falling for his Highest Potential

I have a history of making decisions quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.

Okay. I have to admit. The whole spanking thing that the show, Weeds, brought up? Sort of sexy. I am clearly not thinking properly, right?

That show is just pure comedy. Thankfully, they’ve toned down all the sex and whatnot but I love it more. I think the season has been a little slow to start off with but it’s picking up, I guess.

I recently watched The Dark Knight with my closest friend, Joshua. I actually went early, sat in a line and read a book, waiting to be moved to another place to line up. It’s amazing how when an actor dies tragically (drug overdose in Heath’s case), there’s even more hype.

Josh and the kids that we went with seemed to find the movie mediocre but I thought it was pretty good. Well, in a way, it was mediocre but I absolutely loved Heath’s performance. I probably even squeaked in surprise at some of the more scary moments in the movie too. These kind of movies aren’t exactly my forte though so I might not end up remembering it, but it was certainly very well acted out.

So honestly, probably no one cares about my lonely domain. I reecntly went back to BoardX though and all those bloggers and web designers make me want to make something out of my domain that’s been sitting here for no reason for 2 years.

It is no 2:30 and I should be waking up around 7 in order to go to Superstore. Go figure that I go and try to find a pretty Wordpress Theme and then sign up for Flickr and Twitter just because it’s the fad at the moment. Oh well. I wonder if all this work is going to be for nothing in a week.

Maybe an actual update later on in the morning… That is, after I go buy chips. I’ve been having cravings for something to munch on lately.